Question by Maddy: Rate my intro? (1-10)?
[Note: Read to whatever point you want to stop]
I don’t remember who found the first dead girl. I think it was one of our regulars, an eighty year old man we coined “King Rolex” for all the fake Rolex's he wore every single time he came in. Who was he trying to impress in a whore house?
I was downstairs with two of the other girls Dee Violet and Emme White. Those were “Stage names”- first initial, favorite color. I was smoking and bitching about how my last customer wanted me to eat my own puke to get him off or something like it when the old geezer came hobbling down the stairs. At first when we saw him, we thought he wanted a foursome. It wouldn’t be the first time a regular tried to get an extra bang for his buck (literally). He had his pants around his knobby knees and his white chest, so pale it was almost see through, was rising and falling in what we took to be excitement pre-orgasm or post.
Vi Blue was dead. It was a shame. She was one of the cleaner, newer girls here. She was a petite. A Latina, with two little girls to support. I don’t remember what happened to them, it wasn’t any of our business. She was lying on the bed, limbs strung out like a rag doll's. Her bed had a metal headboard that I once wanted for my own. Her head was pushed right through it, forced through a tiny space between two of the metal spokes.
Her body was grossly deflated, her skin wrinkled to her bones like a raisin. Blood ran from everywhere: her open eyes, her nose, her mouth, her ears, from between her legs. And then there, on her face, was a smile. A horrible, open, ecstatic smile that pushed her cheeks out like a mask. Blood stained teeth.
I threw up all over Emme White’s shoes and she backed up and called me a bitch. Dee Violet was nice. She ran to get me toilet paper from the bathroom down the hall. I took the flimsy blue ball she handed me and wiped my mouth before wiping at the puddle on the carpet.
If my last customer was here, he would have made me eat it. What a life.
Best answer:
Answer by Wolf of the Wilds
I don’t remember who found the first dead girl. I think it was one of our regulars, an eighty year old man we coined “King Rolex” for all the fake Rolex's he wore every single time he came in. Who was he trying to impress in a whore house?
I was downstairs with two of the other girls Dee Violet and Emme White. Those were “Stage names”- first initial, favorite color. I was smoking and bitching about how my last customer wanted me to eat my own puke to get him off or something like it when the old geezer came hobbling down the stairs. At first when we saw him, we thought he wanted a foursome. It wouldn’t be the first time a regular tried to get an extra bang for his buck (literally). He had his pants around his knobby knees and his white chest, so pale it was almost see through, was rising and falling in what we took to be excitement pre-orgasm or post
I read up to that, then my glasses needed cleaning.
Vi Blue was dead. It was a shame. She was one of the cleaner, newer girls here. She was a petite. A Latina, with two little girls to support. I don’t remember what happened to them, it wasn’t any of our business. She was lying on the bed, limbs strung out like a rag doll's. Her bed had a metal headboard that I once wanted for my own. Her head was pushed right through it, forced through a tiny space between two of the metal spokes.
Her body was grossly deflated, her skin wrinkled to her bones like a raisin. Blood ran from everywhere: her open eyes, her nose, her mouth, her ears, from between her legs. And then there, on her face, was a smile. A horrible, open, ecstatic smile that pushed her cheeks out like a mask. Blood stained teeth.
I read up to that, then my mum called me for something.
threw up all over Emme White’s shoes and she backed up and called me a *****. Dee Violet was nice. She ran to get me toilet paper from the bathroom down the hall. I took the flimsy blue ball she handed me and wiped my mouth before wiping at the puddle on the carpet.
If my last customer was here, he would have made me eat it. What a life.
And then I read the rest. Well, if it's a first draft I give it a 7 or 8 if it's a fully edited draft I give it a ...hmm... 5 or 6 considering how much things change after editing.
Well, that's a good job nevertheless because I almost never give people above 8. I'm very critisizing.
Answer mine?
Give your answer to this question below!
[wprebay kw="men+in+space+coins" num="0" ebcat="11116"]
[wprebay kw="men+in+space+coins" num="1" ebcat="11116"]
[wprebay kw="men+in+space+coins" num="2" ebcat="11116"]
Originally posted 2011-04-24 05:29:51. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Entries (RSS)
is very good, i can immediately see the genre of the story i give it 8/10
It’s a strong intro, very dark humor, which is my favorite kind. Also goo descriptions with nice detail. Whore houses aren’t exactly my cup o tea, but the humor kept me goin. Could you tell me what you think of mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtGYscg0Fk42QZKyKqvkY9KIxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090921112847AAursxg
It seems some tines you over state things and it “cheapens” the read. For instance, “…tried to get an extra bang for his buck (literally)” ,get rid of literally and the same here with “was nice”, “…Dee Violet was nice”. I hate the word nice when used as a description it is lazy writing.
Also, it was confusing at times, “I don’t remember what happened to them, it wasn’t any of our business.” Are you talking about her children or her or the customers or the headboard?
You also need to flush out some detail at points. There are times when you jump to randomly from one thing to the next; it is ok if your character is like that but, you can’t write it like that, as it makes it too hard to read.
I think the Idea and the developing plot in the situation deserve an 8 for he execution it is more like a 4.
I don’t mean to seem harsh or discourage you it just seems that there is a lot of potential here and I would like to see you work it out fully.
A lot seems to happen in these first few paragraphs. You start by generally introducing a few characters and their world, then suddenly describe a specific scene in great detail. It is a bit disconcerting; for instance, I had to stop and make the connection that the bed where Vi Blue is found is in the whorehouse.
As for the writing style, a few touch-ups here and there could help, but it is already very well-written. For instance, the word “literally” is unnecessary and only deflates your word-play. Most readers will get it as they read it.
Also, you might want to loose some of the gore and gross factors; if your descriptions are too detailed, they kill suspense by telling readers that you value schlock. In which case, what great plot twists could there possibly lie ahead, except more schlock? I would have stopped reading at the eating my puke part, were it not that you write so well.
You certainly have the potential to become an enthralling writer, so keep working at it! If I had to rate your intro – and this is not a genre I am too familiar with – I’d give it a 9/10, with a suggestion: more focus, less gore.
Now that is a book beginning that is awesome. Give us more.